Listlessness

I’ve hit a major wall in reading outside the Bible. I don’t know what’s going on, other than I’d rather watch TV, which isn’t a good sign. It’s a bifurcated lack of zeal. I’m using Professor Horner’s Bible Reading System and I’m gladly and easily reading 8-9 chapters a day. Praying and reviewing memorized Scripture are going well. I’m even memorizing my first passage in Greek. But when it comes to worshipping and taking refuge in God by reading about theology, I don’t know what happened. I’m very tired of life, tired of dealing with these conditions and tired of trying (there’s a bad sign too) to have faith.

Pastor Tom mentioned that sometimes good branches are pruned back along with dead ones to get them to grow more robustly. As a gardener, I can see this. It’s a very unexpected thing to happen though. I know that God is in control of this. So while I wait, I try to just read a few pages a night and not watch stupid Youtube videos.

Just as a timeline for myself, I’m in the middle of reading Calvin’s Institutes for a second time–the 1541 edition though. I don’t think the size of the book is the problem.

Wrestling, Reading and Compliments

After wrestling with God, I didn’t seem to have much of a limp–at first. In fact, I seemed a little less humble with people. I didn’t mean to be. I think the devil took the opportunity to try to discourage me by tempting me. But a few weeks later it seemed to set in, kind of like when injuring yourself and not realizing it until after the workout or after the game; except this was a few weeks instead of hours or overnight. I think a big part of it was reading The Crook in the Lot. This has to be the best book I’ve read on suffering. I don’t know if I should call it that, or if it was just the right book for me at the right time. In any case, it’s a great book, but I don’t know if it’s going to be that great for everyone or not. It’s a little hard to read the old English, but unless I was just getting used to it, God really seemed to be helping me to understand it.

I’ve gotten a couple of nice compliments from people lately, one from Louis at Baker Book House Church Connection that I have a hard time believing and the one by Esteban about writing. For some reason, I don’t handle compliments well. But I thanked him. In any case, I suppose it encourages me to keep blogging, right when I wonder if it’s doing any good for me or others. I’m just making a note of it for myself here on the semi-secret blog. I don’t like it when people announce it when others have complimented them or when their blog climbed in the (bogus) rankings or whatever. (Matt 23:12)

There are so many things I want to read. Reading has been going better lately. I hope to be able to read a lot more this year than last. I’m working on spending even less time on the internet–a constant struggle. There have been a lot of good articles and blog posts lately though. I’m reading some shorter books now. Later on, I plan on reading some longer ones like Communion With God and Horton’s systematic theology. I also want to read some books on Luther along with something by him, and more books on Ecclesiastes. I want to read a NT Theology book like Shreiner’s, but that might not get done until next year. I’d like to read more books on the gospel, like Horton’s, and I have a Kindle book I got for free by Derek Thomas.

Apparently, this is my 100th post on this blog. I can’t believe that’s true. I wonder if it’s an aggregate of other blogs.

Wrestling With God

(This was originally erroneously posted on the old WordPress blog. It may appear to anyone getting it in their feed in the wrong order, not that there are many reading this blog. I’m not sure. I just slapped the date of Jan 1st on it.)

This is a serious post. I don’t know if the title sounds strange or not. I’ve been hesitant to post it on Facebook or the main blog. The wrestling reminds me of Jacob and his wrestling with a man/angel/God/Christ, but of course there is no man in my case, no audible voice, and it’s mainly an internal struggle with my own acceptance of God’s will. But I’m confident this was brought about by God, he’s helping me get through it, he’s disciplining wounding and humbling me, and it’s for my good.

I’ve been having a hard time accepting and knowing how to live in a spiritual way with all the chronic conditions. Things have been getting worse and worse. I’m not angry with God per se, which I think is silly, nor am I backsliding, which I can’t imagine ever doing. I don’t ask, “Why me?” because why not me? I’m not special. But I really don’t like how God does things with people as far as suffering, discipline, letting us live lives where we hate the prison of our life that we have to live–the prison of my body and my mind, and all of the losses I’ve had.

I should have written this down earlier because I’m having a hard time remembering exactly how it started. It was a few days ago, and I guess I got so worked up and I was trying to fight it so much and realizing that according to Thomas Watson, “Unsubmissiveness to his will does not ease our burden but makes it heavier.” It got heavy and I didn’t want to give up. I’ll submit to this part, but then I want something else as a concession. If something bad happens, then please ease it with something, anything good. Why can’t this happen?

I love God, but right now I don’t much like him.

So two days ago I decided to do what the psalmists do and complain the way they do, in a more formal and systematic way than the previous few days. Then I was led to the cross. The enormity of what Christ did and the enormity of the ramifications was rather overwhelming. Not like a big emotional experience, but a reminder. I decided that my next book is going to be The Cross of Christ by Stott. I need to go back to the cross. In the mean time, The Lord’s Prayer by Watson has been great. The section on Thy Will Be Done has been excellent for me. It’s been a good education on affliction. I read Ross’ commentary on Genesis for the wrestling part. I listened to part of a sermon by Sinclair Ferguson on that. He said that when he wants to hire someone at the seminary, he wants someone who walks with a “limp”. He can often tell when someone has a limp–when they’ve been through something like this. (This is on the computer. I found it at Monergism.) I started reading the Psalms a few days ago, which I thought was appropriate.

I think the worst of it is over. It’s a lifelong process, but there are times of special struggle, and I’ve never been through anything like this before. I thought I better write it down now while I still remember the details, although it’s something I’ll never forget. I Surrender All. I suppose we can work on it, but for me to say/sing that before heaven–I’d be lying.

P.S. – now I remember–the start of this was when a medication that was helping me just a little was probably going to have to be discontinued. I was thinking, “Really? Yet another thing taken away?” I had pretty much come to terms with it. But as it turns out, I’m able to take it again. That’s a long story that I’d rather forget about.

Some Little Stuff Before The Big Stuff

I’m not going to update what I’ve read here because it’s on Goodreads (the ones I remember to note) and I want to start writing about them on the main blog after having gotten (?) the idea from Louis at Baker Bookhouse Church Connection. That will take more time, but it will be good for me to review some stuff. I haven’t wanted to spend the time yet, probably because I have quite a few to write about. And I really need to tell about the preteen fiction book I read to get my reading mojo going again. It’s embarrassing, but it’s a Christian book.

I posted about a year ago about a goal of increasing my bench press by 100lbs in a year. This sounds impossible, but it’s because I’m doing it for the second time around and I started out so weak after a couple of surgeries and chronic fatigue really doing a number on me. Well, when you’re improving fast, you think it’s going to keep up, but it inevitably slows down, even when you’re 18, unless you’re taking the special vitamin S. But, I’m really not very far off. I’m about 90% of the way there. I should be very glad about that. I’m still so much weaker than I used to be back in the day because of fatigue that’s still there and all the medications I’m taking, but I’m so thankful I’m able to workout at all.

My back pain has gotten worse, which is troubling. If it gets much worse, I will have to cut back on all weight training except for maybe forearms. Which brings me to my next post…

Lot of Updates

Weight training is going well, for me anyway. Nothing like before chronic fatigue and back pain came on the scene, but coming along. I’m eating better than I ever have.

I read more Scripture this year. Now I will be slowing down and have started studying Colossians as deeply as I can. So far I’ve read it in GW (multiple times), NEB, REB, NLT, TNIV, MSG, NASB, CEB, NRSV, GNB and GW again. I’ve read through intros in study Bibles. I need to read deSivla’s NT Intro to it. Then start with Sam Storms blog posts, which I think have become a book, and the Exegetical Guide to the Greek NT. I’ll also use Fee’s exegesis book and that new one by Blomberg et all. 

I’m finishing a chapter of Proverbs a day and will keep reading so that I’m not just on Colossians all the time.

I started over with reading Owen’s The Glory of Christ.  It’s been worth it.

I can’t believe how long it’s taking me to recover from Christmas. 

This is what Goodreads said that I read this year. The Institutes along with the guide was fantastic. I’m now all on board with classic Calvinism. Holstrom, Horton and Walton were also standouts. 

For some strange reason, Psalms is still a bit of an enigma for me. I’ll keep working on that. The 365 Days of Psalms book wasn’t that good for me.

I have some medical stuff going on that I hope will be improved in a few months. 

Photography has slowed way down. Just as I was starting a blog. I think working out kind of came in and stole some motivation for that. I had a good time photographing cats over Christmas, but it wasn’t as much as I had hoped. I have plenty of ideas written down if I ever need any. 

My motivation for reading has slipped a bit. I’m praying that will increase again. It’s so important. 

Bench Press

Even with chronic fatigue, bipolar depression, and chronic back pain, I’ve been able to do just a bit of weight training. I used to be into bodybuilding (never competed, just like working out) and powerlifting. After all of my conditions got worse, I ended up 80 lbs lighter from at my heaviest, although I had some extra fat at that point. (No steroids)

Now, all I have to do is one or two sets within a certain rep range, which is different for each muscle group, and not put too much intensity of effort into it, and because of anabolic rebound, I’ve been gaining some muscle. It has taken me a couple of years to design a program around my back, and that doesn’t fry my nervous system and exhaust me. I started out with just walking, grippers, and calf raises, and have gradually added things. I’m at my limit, if not slightly over. A gluten free diet has helped me. I have my bad days where I can’t do anything. My endurance is still almost non-existent, but I can do things that are within a narrow window.

I have a goal of increasing my bench press by 100lbs in a year. It’s my weakest exercise, but that doesn’t mean it can’t improve. I’ve been working on biceps, forearms and calves just because I can, and it doesn’t take too much energy. So I gradually added chest, back, shoulders and triceps, for the most part only doing one submaximal effort set each, every 3-4 days. That’s all it takes, for now anyway. 100lbs on my bench press is only a little more than what I used to use on my second warm-up set, so it’s not a big deal. But in a way, in my condition it is a big deal. So we’ll see how it goes.

I’m just starting to get to the point where there are a tiny bit of endorphins secreted during and after “working out”.  That alone is worth it because it’s a bit of an anti-depressant. It also gives me something physical to work towards, although I’ve been improving for a few months now. Sometimes one or more things stagnate while others improve. As long as something is improving, I have to be satisfied.

Eddie

We lost our Eddie boy (cat). He was my buddy. I’m still kind of in shock five days later. It wasn’t a surprise though. He was diagnosed with kidney failure 9 months ago and wasn’t supposed to live for 2 months past that. I’m so thankful for the extra time I/we had with him, although I came to appreciate him more and more for a few years before that. So in this case, it didn’t take the threat of death for me to really value him like I should. He’s more of an anti-depressant than a typical cat because of how much time he spent on me while I’m lying down.  Now I don’t have that. Our cat Allie is great too, but she’s not on me a lot like Eddie was. It’s great to still have her. Since we don’t have kids, you’ve got to have a cat in the house, or better yet, two. 

God kept me strong before he died. I was able to be very rational about making the decision with my wife. We spent over an hour with him, deliberating and praying. We didn’t want to wait too long like we did with out previous cats. He was very uncomfortable, and nothing else could be done. 

Then after he died, I totally lost it. My wife had been steadily grieving for a couple days. With me it’s like I explode at some point. This time it was so bad, I thought I’d end up in the ER. I was breathing so hard and felt like I wasn’t going to stop, but I wasn’t hyperventilating. 

Since he left us not being in such awful pain and I was not in an unusually depressed or anxious state at the time, I think I will be able to think about the good memories and be able to look at pictures of him much sooner than our other cats, and our dog which was a complete nightmare. I’m handling it well, and I feel like I’m coming out of the shock and fog. There is still more grieving to do, and I hope I don’t just ignore it.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I’m thankful that God has given me a more thankful spirit as time goes on.

Gluten, Owen, Greek and Fatigue

Started Gluten free diet a few weeks ago. I feel just enough better for a long enough period of time to say I feel better. Going to go for another month and then test it out. If there’s something to it, I should keep improving.

I may be a bit less fatigued, but I’m falling asleep too soon at night, which cuts into my reading time. I found The Glory of Christ by Owen, which is fantastic, but by the time I get to reading it, I’m falling asleep. I’m also reading Waltke’s NIVAC commentary on Job which has precedence right now as I’m finishing up reading the whole Bible. So I’m frustrated. Trying to reduce a med, but it’s hard. I need to reduce even more time reading stuff on the webtering machine and watching YouTube, as informative as it’s been. I can’t wait to read more Owen–although I can’t wait to read him every night, and then fall asleep–and see if I like Edwards as much too. Pastor Tom mentioned Bunyan too. Don’t forget that.

There’s so much stuff I want to blog about, and I don’t know how I’ll fit that in. Not needing 11 hours of sleep a day would help. !  The photography blog is going very slowly, with barely any visitors, so I’m just mainly uploading pictures and not spending time on articles.

Earlier this year I became determined to “learn” beginning Greek and spend more time on it.  Still going on that. I’m on chapter 15 on Black’s workbook. Third declension nouns put a big slowdown on that. I’m reading Mounce’s book on that too. Which is what I’m going to do now.

Where I Am [At]

Hello me.

I decided to use the workbook that goes along with Black’s beginning Greek grammar. I’m glad they sent that when they sent the review copy. I’m using it more than I did before and started at the beginning. I’m trying to do two chapters a week. There are a lot of translation exercises. When I worked on it before, I didn’t do all of them. I make repetitive mistakes, so this should be helpful. For now I’m almost enjoying it. The conversational Greek course isn’t getting me very far. I have to go through 14 more weeks now in Greek II.

I’m trying to spend more time reading books. I’m reading the Bible more this year and have been spending more time on Greek, so it’s been difficult. I’m having to cut out a little more internet stuff, but I’m finding that I just tend to waste time during a certain part of the day. I read reviews or articles or watch Youtube videos that just aren’t necessary. I realized I need to ask God to change what I want to do. I can’t just cut stuff out. I want to write a post about that.

I’ve been so tired lately. I sleep more than I want to. Chronic fatigue is either getting worse or I’m in a long down cycle. At least I’ve been able to pray as much as I want to without falling asleep. That was a problem for a while and God has gotten me out of that. Thank you. ^

I wonder if Tim Tebow will find a team. He’s probably really being tested spiritually and may be for quite some time. Become a tight end. Yeah that’s a good idea. Fire the guy who started that idea.

I had a great time reading the Pentateuch. I don’t know what the problem is with that. The living God of the universe wrote something to us. You’d think people would be awed by that and know it’s good for you. I hope I feel that way as decades go on, God willing.

My memory has gotten better. Less mistakes when reviewing Scripture. I don’t know if it’s the fish oil or what. Very glad for that because one of the meds decreases memory.

I have enough books for years to come. But I really want Horton’s Pilgrim Theology after reading a sample. I have Puritan Theology and haven’t even read it yet. I would love some of Carl Trueman’s books, but they would just be entertaining things that I completely agree with already.

Better go read a book. After I work on Greek.

It’s Been a While

I haven’t written in a long time. I spent a little time reading back, which is partly why I write here. I can see I started trying to spend less time on the internet two years ago. Still working on it. I’ve slipped a little the last few weeks. I’m tired. I’m not sure why I’m on Facebook. It started out as blogging friends conversing, showing some links and exchanging prayer requests. Now it’s missing persons and animals, political rants (Obama got elected, get over it!), graphics of this and that and the other thing. I have to keep a narrower list unfortunately. People are always fantastic when I ask for prayer. I’m trying to keep the talk about the conditions down so I don’t look like I think I’m special or an attention seeker (which I’m not), or tire people out with it.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads with Greek. I’ve gone through Black’s book but don’t feel like I know it. I went thru 2/3s of Dobson and thought it was great until it just broke down and felt unorganized. I’m now taking a ‘living language’ course and I’m not sure if it’s as great as it’s made out to be. We’ll see. I’m working on grammar and inflections and want to watch more YouTube videos (I guess YT can actually can be worthwhile). The Buth/Living Language people seem to all speak Greek alike. They use a lot of now, yes, good and xeire. It’s like English Greek. Greek vocab is improving. I read a chapter of 1 John and even a part of one in Matthew and understood them. Maybe not the nuances and being able to name all the parts of all the grammar of every word, but I could understand most of the words and sentences.

I’ve been struggling with living with my conditions. I’m tired, and tired of them. I feel like my spiritual zeal has gone down another notch, although it’s still relatively very high. I’m reading Sibbes and it’s like Flavel where he’s just listing a bunch of stuff and will probably say some great things in the last 1/3 of the book. I need to read Owen or Edwards or somebody.

I’m trying to do some stuff to make money with photography and start a blog, but we’ll see. I’ve really gotten to love photography again, although not as passionate as music.

I’ve had so many blog ideas that at one point I had more than a month of blog posts lined up. I wonder how long that will last. I hope it’s beneficial.

Been reading Psalms again and still having a hard time getting into them. Someday…

I feel weird. Rather aimless. Tired. Praying has been great though. God is still showing me one new thing a week to praise him about. Chronic fatigue kept me from being able to pray as much as I wanted but the last few months I get it all done each week in addition to the meditative type stuff throughout the day or when I’m reading. My memory for Scripture memory is still better than when in the few year slump. I still get frustrated that they’re not perfect like they used to be.

Life stinks, but I also have so many things to be thankful for and God has helped me to be more thankful. Still trying to learn to live with all of this stuff and suffer well. Sense of humor is still there. I’m out of sorts and need to borrow some.

Studying, Reading, Etc.

I’m probably spending more time on Greek than ever. Using the Dobson book, which is so completely different, has been pretty good for how I learn, although having the background and vocab from the other books is really helpful. God designed a good program for me.

About a third of the way through I got to where I felt a little lost again, so like the Black book, I went back to the beginning and read it over again. I just caught back up to where I was and am moving on, and feel like I have a better handle on things. I can’t say I enjoy learning it, but this book is more enjoyable than the standard ones. I don’t think I can finish it by the end of the year, which means I’ll be going on 3+ years for beginning Greek. But surgery and bad weeks of side effects while trying different things, bad sleep, pain and chronic fatigue can slow one down.

I’m reading more books at one time than ever. Bible, Greek, Institutes, a book about the Institutes–which is helpful, Desiring God, and that ebook about Greek words now and then.

My spiritual zeal has gone down a notch for the first time in many years, but it’s still very high. I’m having a great time going through Scripture very slowly, for a while, probably the end of the year.

For some reason, my memory has gotten better and Scripture memory review is smoother. Greek vocab is decent too. I miss memorizing Scripture. Need to do a post on just memorizing references and the basic subject.

Being Well When We’re Ill was one of the more complete books on suffering I’ve read. Didn’t like the Arminian and slogan-like theology though.

(This blog is mainly like a diary for me, but written as if others are reading, just in case.)

Books Read In 2012

Goodreads shows it but some are partially read.

• The Gospel of Luke by Green, Joel B. – huge and pretty good; his Wesleyism only showed up a few times
• A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty by Tada, Joni Eareckson – very good, slightly repetitive and self indulgent (I should talk)
• The Transforming Power of the Gospel by Bridges, Jerry – very good–a Puritan book may have been better, like some ones he quoted; I got it free as Kindle
• A Commentary on the Psalms, Volume 1 by Ross, Allen P. – perfect for me just like his exposition of Genesis, must get the other two volumes despite cost; I read the whole intro and a couple Psalms
• Acts by Bock, Darrell L. – commentary on commentaries; I should have gotten Bruce or Witherington
• The Most Misused Verses in the Bible: Surprising Ways God’s Word Is Misunderstood by Bargerhuff, Eric J. – very good, simple language, I already had a couple of these previously worked out on my own
• The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Keller, Timothy – 38 fantastic pages, must read again
• The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul – very good and different; he starts from the Old Testament with everything with is nice
• You Gotta Keep Dancin’ – guy who lives with extreme pain, cheerleady but some good points, admits that emotional pain is even worse

Remember to add as year goes on.

Greek Again

I got a new Greek book. It’s totally different. Like totally. (Dobson) It doesn’t even start out with letter names. It says this Greek letter sounds like this English letter or like this sound. Then it says this Greek word means this. That Greek word means that. Put them in a sentence. Instead of learn the letter names, learn what nouns of the first declension are. Memorize the endings of the first declension. Now memorize the endings of the verbs. By the time I get to the 10th chapter I forgot what I learned on the 3rd. This one uses what was learned in each successive chapter. I came close to thinking about quitting and this got me going again. Kind of starting over, but I know the material so far instead of feeling bewildered like when I was in school. But I have a wide vocabulary built up and know what a lot of the terms are. Kind of like reading the NLT or God’s Word but already knowing the terms that are in the NASB.

I’ll report back in a while.

Greek

I’m the most down and pessimistic about Greek as ever. My brain isn’t exactly running on all cylinders (was it ever?) with fatigue, medication and pain. I read and study, and memorize and review the vocab, and even use the workbook, but by the time I’ve done three chapters, I’ve forgotten what I did before. The workbook isn’t progressive.

Last night I had a glimmer of hope when I read back and could translate some of the exercises well, and I can better understand what Bock is saying in his commentary on Acts, but I don’t know if I can learn and retain enough to be able to read Greek.

I’ve been reviewing memorized Scripture as much as ever because of my fogginess and determination to keep it strong, and I really miss memorizing Scripture. Right now I want to use the time spent on Greek for English stuff. I don’t feel like tutoring over the phone would help much because it seems to be a matter of brain power, and I hate the phone. I need a book that goes slower and more in-depth.

By the end of the summer I should be through the beginner book. I’ll see how I’m doing then. Maybe I’ll read backwards for a while until things get easy again. I was going to do Black’s intermediate/intermediate book, but I don’t know. Too legit to quit.

Surgery in three days

I’m less nervous now than a week and a half ago. I really want to please God by trusting in him. Ps 147:11; Lam 3:25 I’m sure I’ll get nervous. Or maybe I shouldn’t try to predict the future. I’m not looking forward to adjustments during recovery. My body is so sensitive and already in a state of ‘generalized anxiety’ which is mainly physical. But circumstantial here. If I could only worry about tomorrow and let the rest go. Matt 6:34

I have the worst headache in years and I can’t take anything for it other than Tylenol–which does no good–before surgery. Ibuprofen always works, but it’s a blood thinner which is not allowed at this point. And this is probably only about 1/50th as bad as those who have bad migraines. I can’t imagine. Last two surgeries I never had a headache, which I don’t get very often anyway.

Honesty

Doing a lot of medical type reading for various things. It amazes me how different doctors’ opinions are compared to patients’ real-world experiences. Some doctors actually listen to their patients, and over time, they can tell people what to realistically expect. Others go “by the literature” as one of my previous psychiatrists always said and they just don’t get it. I tell them an experience I had with a medication and they don’t even want to hear it. Problem is when you have no choice, or the doctor is very good, but has a bad “bedside manner”.

And also, doctors say patients always lie? Well, I’ve been lied to more by people in the medical profession than anywhere else. Don’t lie to a patient who does their research. It’s also the doctor’s job to believe the patient, as my current psychiatrist said. The 2nd or 3rd worst thing is not being believed. I wonder how God feels about not being believed.

Leviticus 19:11 TNIV
“‘Do not steal.”
‘Do not lie.”
‘Do not deceive one another.

Theological Lonliness

I have a Sola Scriptura view of Scripture. I want badly to interpret it well. Sometimes I feel like the Scripture police at Bible study group. Some of them are, let’s say, not very well read, as genuine and serious as they are. I’ve backed off a little lately.

Recently something came up with my wife regarding This Is The Day in Psalms. I think that people don’t know what they’re singing about but I think she has a valid point in that not everything in the Psalms has just one single meaning.

A lot of times among certain people (not my wife) just sort of shrug their shoulders at things I think are very important. Sacred even. Many times online too, but actually more in person. It gets lonely.

And I wonder, how much of a theological perfectionist am I? How many meanings can certain passages have? When do I just let it go? When do I fight for rightly dividing the word of truth? Am I even able to?

Friday Friday

It’s Friday Friday, but everyday’s the same, Friday Friday, everyday there’s suffering,
Partying Partying, Partying Partying, I have a super bad back and chron-ic fatiiiigue,???
But I have a Savior (yeah), and His name is Jesus,
Partying Partying, Partying Partying,
fun fun fun fun, looking forward tooo heaven
///Needs another verse in there but I don’t want to waste any more time, plus it doesn’t go well enough with the music

Fear

Afraid to go to sleep tonight for only the 2nd or 3rd time in my life. Anxiety driven dreams that are even worse than my normal bad dreams are not fun.

April 1

I decided to quit being lazy. I’ve switched from Reformed to some sort of Arminianism/Semi-Pelagianism (you know, like everyone else) so that I can start praying and explaining the gospel to people again #anticompatibalism #partiallydepraved #lovedemandsachoice #lovewins

I’m so sick of everything.