Wrestling With God

1 01 2015

(This was originally erroneously posted on the old WordPress blog. It may appear to anyone getting it in their feed in the wrong order, not that there are many reading this blog. I’m not sure. I just slapped the date of Jan 1st on it.)

This is a serious post. I don’t know if the title sounds strange or not. I’ve been hesitant to post it on Facebook or the main blog. The wrestling reminds me of Jacob and his wrestling with a man/angel/God/Christ, but of course there is no man in my case, no audible voice, and it’s mainly an internal struggle with my own acceptance of God’s will. But I’m confident this was brought about by God, he’s helping me get through it, he’s disciplining wounding and humbling me, and it’s for my good.

I’ve been having a hard time accepting and knowing how to live in a spiritual way with all the chronic conditions. Things have been getting worse and worse. I’m not angry with God per se, which I think is silly, nor am I backsliding, which I can’t imagine ever doing. I don’t ask, “Why me?” because why not me? I’m not special. But I really don’t like how God does things with people as far as suffering, discipline, letting us live lives where we hate the prison of our life that we have to live–the prison of my body and my mind, and all of the losses I’ve had.

I should have written this down earlier because I’m having a hard time remembering exactly how it started. It was a few days ago, and I guess I got so worked up and I was trying to fight it so much and realizing that according to Thomas Watson, “Unsubmissiveness to his will does not ease our burden but makes it heavier.” It got heavy and I didn’t want to give up. I’ll submit to this part, but then I want something else as a concession. If something bad happens, then please ease it with something, anything good. Why can’t this happen?

I love God, but right now I don’t much like him.

So two days ago I decided to do what the psalmists do and complain the way they do, in a more formal and systematic way than the previous few days. Then I was led to the cross. The enormity of what Christ did and the enormity of the ramifications was rather overwhelming. Not like a big emotional experience, but a reminder. I decided that my next book is going to be The Cross of Christ by Stott. I need to go back to the cross. In the mean time, The Lord’s Prayer by Watson has been great. The section on Thy Will Be Done has been excellent for me. It’s been a good education on affliction. I read Ross’ commentary on Genesis for the wrestling part. I listened to part of a sermon by Sinclair Ferguson on that. He said that when he wants to hire someone at the seminary, he wants someone who walks with a “limp”. He can often tell when someone has a limp–when they’ve been through something like this. (This is on the computer. I found it at Monergism.) I started reading the Psalms a few days ago, which I thought was appropriate.

I think the worst of it is over. It’s a lifelong process, but there are times of special struggle, and I’ve never been through anything like this before. I thought I better write it down now while I still remember the details, although it’s something I’ll never forget. I Surrender All. I suppose we can work on it, but for me to say/sing that before heaven–I’d be lying.

P.S. – now I remember–the start of this was when a medication that was helping me just a little was probably going to have to be discontinued. I was thinking, “Really? Yet another thing taken away?” I had pretty much come to terms with it. But as it turns out, I’m able to take it again. That’s a long story that I’d rather forget about.

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